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News in Brief - New Orleans special

Bush "mightily impressed" with Katrina
Speaking to CNN after today's tour of Katrina-damaged New Orleans, President George W. Bush declared himself "mightily impressed" with the destruction wrought by the elemental force. "I can tell you one thing", Bush continued "and that thing is that that thing has been one great big son of a hurricane". Survivors and relief workers appeared bemused at the President, who continued "... yeah! And that is the thing that I'd say!"

Teacher urges pupils not to loot other pupils' fries
In a heart-warming first day of primary school since the disaster, complete with warm school meals, teacher Mariah Abrahams admonished African American pupils Faith and Providence Lee to stop looting fries from fellow pupil's Michael Gunderberg's plate. "He's gone miss, we're just liberating the abandoned fries", the sisters said. Meanwhile pupil Jane O'Leary continued to munch on a bun and pickles she had found on Michael's plate.

President fires Brown, appoints Bezos instead
In a move that scored the Bush administration the first positive press since Katrina, the president fired Michael Brown from the head of FEMA and appointed Jeff Bezos, previously CEO of Amazon.com to the post. A white house spokesperson explained the decision thus: "Right now the people of New Orleans need stuff, and they need stuff yesterday. They need food, water, a book to read, maybe some CDs to liven up the times. Mr Bezos has shown the world that he can deliver and now the people are waiting."

Apple's Jobs annoyed at Katrina
Apple co-founder and CEO Steve Jobs expressed ire yesterday that his company's September 7 launch of the iPod nano music player, as well as an iTunes-compatible phone attracted relatively little media coverage due to continued focus on the Katrina disaster. "The thing is over" Jobs said impatiently after the San Francisco event. "Now, can we focus on these amazing products that we have here for you today?". Microsoft chairman Bill Gates also expressed peeve that his company's launch of a new business software line the same day went largely unnoticed.

Archetypal debate erupts in blogsphere
In a debate set to echo a myriad of times in blogs and talkback forums all over cyberspace, an affluent conservative blogger known as ReasonURR expressed superior disdain at the New Orleans survivors, asking "Why didn't they leave, as they were supposed to?". Affluent social liberal blogger SimpleBob swiftly retorted that "They simply couldn't, they were too poor". ReasonURR then proclaimed that the survivors plight was due to their animalistic instincts and generally subhuman conduct, while SimpleBob countered that this could not be so as wholesome white folk were caught in the soup too.

Honore and Nagin to feature in spring Katrina production
Universal executives revealed today that they had secured exclusive rights from both Gen. Russel Honore and New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin to portray them in a movie adaptation of the disaster scheduled for release in Spring '06. The movie, with working title "Category 5" is to be directed by Steven Spielberg, to a Michael Crichton screenplay. The casting is yet to be announced, although the studio is understood to be in talks with veteran actor Sean Connery for Honore's part. Rival studio Paramount immediately filed a suit alleging it had secured legal rights to the production from the government of Louisiana.
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