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News in Brief - 17 April 2005

Michael Jackson flees US, founds neo-Platonist state
In a move that surprised many, Michael Jackson and his entourage abandoned the United States, Monday, to found a new country in the Caribbean island formerly known as Grand Turk. The island, which was quietly bought by Jackson's associates in 1992, will henceforth be known as Freeland, a principate ruled by Jackson and inspired by ideals of Plato and Augustine, such as deference to authority, discipline, and mentorship with one's elders. Among Jackson's first actions as ruler was to establish Freeland's Palace Guard, an elite private army composed of his 300 handsome and very masculine bodyguards. Jackson proceeded to invite several prominent Roman Catholic bishops to open a "young person's mission" in Freeland, a move believed to have elicited strong interest. A summer school, a nature camp, and a "gymnasium" for unruly boys are due to open later this year.

Greece finds neighbour's name too wieldy
Greece's ambassador to the UN Adamantios Vassilakis intimated yesterday that his country was "kind of uneasy" about its northern neighbour's proposed adoption of the name Republic of Macedonia - Skopje. Said Mr. Vassilakis: "Naaah, we don't like it. They should pick a name that is, you know, longer, and made up of more unpronounceable Slavic words. Or maybe some numbers..." Greek Foreign Minister Petros Molivyatis explained Greece's position thus: "Don't get us wrong, we like these guys and want to help them out. We already told them they can have some of our less memorable place names, such as Aetolo-akarnania, Spercheiada, or even Anticythera for free. But Macedonia is a premium name with international recognition, and for that they have to come up with a serious offer." Molivyatis also denied speculation that the oil-rich, but virtually unknown, Asian state of Kirghystan is offering $27bn for the name Athens.

New exclusive-inclusive school starts enrolling students
A new exclusive school that prides itself on inclusiveness has opened in Sussex, England and began enrolling a diverse spectrum of carefully vetted students for the 2005-06 session. According to its recent advertisement in the International Herald Tribune, the school "aims to create an ethnically, culturally, religiously, and politically diverse upper-class environment, thereby offering its students a sense of immersion and community with real affluent people from all over the world". The school apparently also tolerates sufficiently wealthy gay students, although there is no mention as yet of lesbians. British Prime Minister Tony Blair, who has enrolled both his sons at the school, praised its goals: "Millfield International is a place for our children to be educated in a diverse and multi-ethnic environment of people like ourselves." According to Graham Clark, culture and trends editor of The Economist: "The World is rapidly changing. Upper-class income and power are no longer synonymous with an Anglo-Saxon heritage. British privilege is casting aside its racial, cultural, and religious prejudices and reaching out to make ties with diverse and vibrant spectrum of privilege from China, India, Latin America, and all over the world".

Area geek reports contentment after porn consumption
20-something area geek Steve Markovich reported a sense of contentment and satisfaction, Friday evening, after watching a scene from Anal Sluts 27, an Anabolic Video production. Markovich, a software engineer with few friends and a self-confessed "passion" for video games said that after the wholly satisfying porn experience he felt a desire to spend the night in completing some PS2 games. L.A. based adult stars Taylor Blue and Sean Michaelis, whose pornographic performance elicited the strange response, appeared concerned. Michaelis explains: "That's not supposed to happen. Our producers want us to leave a sense of unfulfilment so that people will keep buying more videos, but that's their agenda. As performers we kind of hope that our efforts will inspire shy people like Steve to go out and get laid with a girl, or boy, or whoever really". Blue commented: "We screw our guts out on camera and what this guy gets from it is he wants to play playstation games? Christ! What does it take to bring some young people out of their shells?". "I wonder what we did wrong..." added Michaelis.
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