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News in Brief - 10 April 2005

World-famous ugly woman not considered ugly any more
World-renowned ugly woman Camilla Parker Bowles is not to be considered ugly any further, following her marriage to HRH The Prince of Wales, the Buckingham Palace press office declared yesterday. The beautifying ceremony, held in a register office last week, ends Parker Bowles's 30-year status as royal mistress and tabloid scarecrow. Instead of focusing on the new Duchess of Cornwall's relative lack of physical attractiveness, the British press is to emphasise her charming character and engaging personality, the Palace statement advises. The Sun newspaper is asking its readers to nominate a new public figure for the vilified ugly woman role.

Las Vegas wins distinction as Cultural Capital of the World
Las Vegas regular visitors, casino owners, and actual residents welcomed yesterday's winning of the title Cultural Capital of the World on behalf of the Nevada city. The unexpected win occurred at 9:37PM at the Crystal Room Slot Machines of billionaire Steve Wynn's Mirage casino and resort. Vegas mayor Oscar B. Goodman bravely bet earlier gains of Jewel of the Desert and America's Proudest City to secure the 1:65,000 progressive jackpot. Asked how he is planning to spend the 1-year title, the mayor said "I dunno, do what we're doing already. Build some more casinos. Our city's doing better than ever!". Nearby gamblers joined a cheer lasting 8.5 seconds around the mayor's winning machine, before resuming their betting activities.

Starbucks customer fails to use proper nomenclature
Area resident and Starbucks customer Zbignew Scroczynski persists in his failure to use proper Starbucks nomenclature when ordering his beverages, company sources revealed Wednesday. According to beverage assistant Poppi Wood, of Mr. Scroczynski's local 257 Oak Blvd franchise: "He keeps coming in and asking for a single espresso instead of a solo. The other day he was asking me for a cappuchino freddo for almost five minutes, and I was about to give up and tell him we don't have them before it occurred to me that he wanted a frappuchino. It's like he came from Europe, or something". Starbucks marketing and corporate branding manager Elliot Warner explains: "Mr. Scroczynski's case is far from unique. Our organization is considering initiatives to educate the North American population on the use of proper Starbucks terms for caffeinated beverages, including placement in blockbuster CBS shows, Websters Dictionary sponsored entries, and changes to the US school curriculum".

Arthouse actress baffled over fans' interest
Award-winning Turkish German actress Sibel Kekilli expressed bafflement recently over her "fans" persistent and inquisitive interest in her previous job as a security guard. The actress, who won a Golden Bear in the Berlin Film Festival last year for her role in Head On (Gegen die Wand), a gritty arthouse drama about two lovers who meet as each of them attempts suicide, has been plagued by gossip and invasive questions since a German tabloid revealed details of her earlier work in the security industry. The exasperated actress said to a reporter at the film's UK premiere yesterday: "I don't get it. I say perfectly clearly on my fansite that I had a number of jobs while studying at drama school, including security guard, waitress, porn star, and sales clerk. And I did each of them for maybe six months. But for some reason every time someone asks me a question after a screening it's about security or uniforms. I can see it's some people's kink, and that's fine by me, but can they please get over it?". Pictures of Sibel in her 2002 Group 4 uniform were the number three Google Images search target following the film's general release last week.
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